Good Intentions

There’s an old saying of unknown origin that states, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I have something to say about that idea. The phrase is meant to convey the message that your good intentions are useless unless you act on them in a way that transforms your intentions into reality.  My first response to this phrase would be, “yeah, but so is the road to heaven.” The idea is that we are ultimately judged based mostly on our actions and not the condition of our heart. This is a terrible message and I say it is absolutely false.

 Why is it that we don’t achieve everything we want? I mean we wake up every morning believing subconsciously that we will be able to achieve the things we want to that day or else we wouldn’t even try. Even if we have very little difficulty achieving our mundane daily goals we all know on some level that there are challenges in life that we could be faced with that would be impossible to overcome. But we just choose not to think about those things very much. Death, illness, natural disasters, etc. We desperately want to avoid these things, but we know we can’t. Human beings are not omnipotent, we have very many limitations.

So, there is obviously a big gap between our intentions and our actions and there is another gap between our actions and their results. What fills these gaps? One answer is moral strength or will power and while that is certainly a part of the answer, it’s at best half of the equation. Some of the other factors would be correct physiological function, emotional stability, and some kind of reward to reinforce that behavior. There are many things in life that can severely reduce your capacity to carry out all of your good intentions. We call them disabilities.

When certain actions and achievements become impossible for you because of a disability or catastrophic circumstances outside of your control then your intentions are all you have left. The list of things you can do gets much shorter and the list of things you can’t do grows longer and longer until you inevitably feel useless, hopeless, and burdensome. When our capability changes drastically our expectations also must change. All we can do is play the hand we are dealt. The key to peace is acceptance.

This is easier said than done. Through my experience with mental illness I have gained some insight into this. One of the questions that torments me, and I think is common among people with mood disorders is whether my behavior in the past somehow caused this. Is it my fault? And this line of reasoning then spirals into extreme guilt and shame. The reality is that no one would ever choose to have a mental illness. I know for a fact that I would do anything to get better.

 I’ve been trying non-stop for six years doing everything I can possibly think of to be healed from this disease. I know that my intentions are pure, and my conscience is clear. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting. The thing that hurts the most is not my own pain and suffering, but rather knowing how my illness causes sadness for those that love me. It tears me up inside that I can’t be the husband and father that I always wanted to be. I hate how hard this is on my wife. I want to be strong and supportive for her, but it takes all of the strength that I have just to stay alive. I could not ever adequately describe how difficult this is.

Mental illness destroys the natural mechanisms that our brains use to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. When you have severe depression almost all behaviors are punished. Imagine a monkey in a lab has an electrode inserted into its brain to deliver a painful shock at the arbitrary discretion of the researcher. The monkey tries to eat a banana and as soon as he touches it he gets and excruciating shock, he drops the banana and the pain stops. Then he tries to take a drink, shocked. He starts to climb, shocked. He starts banging on the wall, shocked. He starts screaming, shocked. Eventually the monkey will just give up and lie down and it will stay that way until it dies of starvation. This is called Learned Helplessness.

This sense of helplessness and universal punishment is central to the experience of severe depression. Even the activities you once loved more than anything become pure torture. And then comes the sense of loss. Everything you loved is dead and gone. At this point everything hurts. Hope hurts. Love hurts. Happy memories hurt. Social connection hurts. Human beings will do anything to escape pain and anxiety. Unfortunately pain and anxiety are a permanent feature of my life.  In this state of mental torture, I must believe that my intentions matter. My good intentions are all I have.

Because of my intense struggle with mental illness my morals have been radically simplified. Treat others how you want to be treated. Don’t judge. God is love. Love the truth. That’s all I have to say about that.